I have to say, the hot dog craving just isn't there this time. Peanut butter is the new hot dogs. Seems like that's a good thing since I just discovered that the nitrates in hot dogs can be bad for mom and baby when eaten in excess. Who'd have known?! There are so many things that I need to avoid eating/ doing right now. It's hard to relax when I keep reading so many articles about the possible teratogens (bad stuff for baby) around me. Until I find out how bad peanut butter is, I'll keep indulging on the fatty protein-rich treat! Oh, and time to change the blog name too.

This past weekend Mom and Dad were in town. I broke the news over dinner at our favorite Korean restaurant. It was great to see them get so excited! Every once in a while I'd catch Dad with that far-off glimmer/smile in his eyes during the weekend. Mom and I decided that the baby should be named Pepe (pronounced Peep, regardless of the sex). I'm not sure where that came from, but for now, I'll shall call the lil' one Pepe (peep).

Miller called his parents and told them the news over the phone. I wish we could've told them in person. Hopefully we'll see them soon!
- posted by Ma @ 8:48 PM

 
Doc says it's official and all is well so far. I gave all kinds of body fluid samples for testing. It's amazing how much blood they draw when you're prego (I counted six vials of blood). My doctor said that I am probably about 4 weeks along. Overall I've been taking pretty good care of myself. I indulged a couple of times earlier in the month (before I knew), but it shouldn't be a problem.

Newest revelation: this kid craves peanut butter. At 3am. Every other day. Bahhh!
- posted by Ma @ 9:53 AM

 
2 LINES!! 2 LINES!!! I'm off to the doctor tomorrow for final confirmation and some blood work. The ladies I work with are extremely excited. A few of them are already expecting. They made me feel like I was part of their club. I can't wait to tell Mom and Dad in person when they visit the city this weekend. Hoping for success this time around.
- posted by Ma @ 9:14 PM

 
Well, it looks like we're back in business! Two days ago (Thursday) I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Man, I've wasted so much money on these stupid things over the past several months. grrr... After so many solitary pink lines floating on my test sticks lately, I had to blink my eyes twice when I saw a faint second pink line floating in the results window. My period was supposed to be four days away at the time (now it's only one day). I've been feeling dizzy and "off" for the past week, plus my boobs are feel tender and heavy. I've had night sweats as well, which I thought might be due to the Paxil that I started taking a couple of months ago. (Side note: I still have mixed feelings about taking this during pregnancy. The doc says it's OK, but the pharapseudical jury is still out on this one. Some studies show that 3rd trimester ingestion MIGHT be harmful. I'll have to work on this one. Gotta balance out personal stress vs. stress on the developing baby.) Anyway, the last time I remember feeling strange like this was when I was pregnant a year ago. Looks to me like we're trying again! I'll try another test when I wake up in the morning. If two lines pop up, I'm deeming it official!
- posted by Ma @ 1:56 AM

 
The past year has been rough. Besides the miscarriage, I ended up having a tough time teaching in the public school system. Perhaps it's not for me, at least not under these circumstances. I was stressed out beyond my own comprehension. I had to leave to regain my strength. My heart was entirely there going in, but my soul would not accept the calling. Something about the job was simply too intense. I felt like I would never be able to give my students what they really needed. Kids in school are expected to learn discipline and respect for authority. I have a natural tendency to nurture and care for those around me- especially children. I realize that children TRULY need both discipline and love, but the system that we live in demands that children in poverty establish self-discipline above self-esteem. I cannot find a place inside my soul that will allow me to believe that success should come before love. I am not driven by numbers; I am driven by the electricity the flows through emotion, through love, through happiness. The chasm that is the urban public school system is both deep and wide- I cannot envision a structure that I would build large enough to cross it. I may not have given myself enough of a chance to battle with it, but I cannot stand the idea of living my life in vain. Perhaps I am too nearsighted, perhaps I am too young, perhaps I am too sensitive. Regardless, something deep inside told me that it was not right for me. When my health fell apart, I knew what I had to do. Near the end of 2004, I left CPS. (Technically I'm on a leave of absence, which I will likely change into a resignation.)

2005 is now here. I'm wiping the slate clean and looking for kinder days ahead.

I came across this quote a couple of days ago that helped me reconcile with my decision to leave the public school system: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive." - Rev. Howard Thurman

I realize that a huge priority for me right now is family. I am so excited to try again to have children with Miller. I believe that raising children is the most important job there is. I think we'll be great! My love of children sent me back to the community center I was working at on Chicago's west side prior to the teacher training program I completed last year. I'm working with the toddlers at the center, and am surprisingly in complete love with it. I adore these children. It took me a bit of time to adjust to the routines and pace of the toddler classroom, but now I feel that I am soaring. I've synchronized well with the children and am utterly amazed at the amount of learning that takes place everyday in these little people. Although not what I pictured myself doing, I adore my work and the endless hugs and smiles I share daily!

"...ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do it..."


- posted by Ma @ 1:40 AM